I wish my penis had an off switch
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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