id be glad to
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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