I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
