hotel room ftw
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
