i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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