hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i love accidental penises.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
