I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
