before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
