Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
