I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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