He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
