Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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