Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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