your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize