atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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