I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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