i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
