She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
