I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
