My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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