so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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