I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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