we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
