I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
