Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ladies don't puke and tell
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
