In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
