i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
