Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
