made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Small penises have feelings too.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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