he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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