Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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