You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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