I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
whose parrot is this?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
