I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize