Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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