The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
