This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
