Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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