Are we in a gay sports bar?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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