Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
