When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
