drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
