I'm sorry my penis didn't work
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
