i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
