it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
