She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
