You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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