so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just forgot I was standing up.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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