Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
