Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
