I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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