Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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