Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
