two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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