soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
