my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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