i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
