Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Your cock deserves a montage
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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