yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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