Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
