I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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