I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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